Esteemable Acts: 10 Actions for Building Real Self-Esteem - Couverture rigide

Action 1

If you can dream it, you can have it

It's an esteemable act to have the courage to dream.

Until I had the courage to dream of a better life, I wasn't able to have one. And as far back as I can remember, I was afraid to dream. I saw what happened to people like me who thought they had a right to dream, who thought they were special. They ended up hurt, disappointed, and disliked, and I didn't want to go there. You see, I was a poor black kid from Atlanta, Georgia, and later New York's South Bronx, and, as I saw it, for people like me, there was no such thing as hope, dreams, or endless possibilities. And to think otherwise was a set-up for failure and despair. I got the message early in my life that dreams were for people who were rich, people who were smart--people who were white. The message that I'd never amount to anything and that I'd never leave the ghetto was presented to me at home, at church, in school, at the movies, in the newspaper, and on television. The message was subtle, yet at other times, not so subtle--disadvantaged black girls like me couldn't become anything other than drug addicts, alcoholics, or prostitutes.

Many self-esteem experts believe that as children we go through a phase in which we stumble and fall as we try to find our way. We experience adolescence and the teen years often hating ourselves and feeling disconnected from life and limited by what we feel is a lack of choice; a time in our lives when we feel stuck and unable to change our circumstances. Then, according to those experts, when we get to our late teens, we grow out of it and begin to think in terms of possibilities, infinite possibilities. We feel empowered and hopeful. We start to realize, as young people, that life is full of opportunities.

The point those experts miss is that the kids who get to that next level are often encouraged to do so. Frequently they have mentors who motivate and inspire them to live their dreams. Their passion is encouraged and their imagination is fired up. And when they come across an obstacle that frightens them, they're taught to walk through their fear and go for what they want. Sadly, this was not my experience. The people in my neighborhood reminded me that the life I was leading was as good as it gets and not to expect much more. And for a long time I didn't. So I, like many others, became a casualty of limited thinking. I was paralyzed by fear. My fear became as much a part of me as my skin color and my DNA--it was the essence of who I was, and I didn't even know it. After years and years of fear taking hold of me, it would take years of hard work for me to find release from its demoralizing grip.

Dreams are what life is made of. They give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a reason to go to bed early at night, so you can wake up and start all over again. Living your dreams is the first, but not the final, step in building real and lasting self-esteem. When you follow your heart, when you live with intention and passion, everyone benefits, because you're happier and you feel more vital. And when you do what you love, not only do you feel good about yourself, it's easier to feel good about others. On the other hand, when you allow external or internal forces to prevent you from doing or having what you want, everyone suffers, because when you're unhappy you make everyone around you unhappy.

But like anything worth having, dreaming takes work, which often requires that you walk through something you're afraid of. Unlocking the courage to dream is the essence of Action #1. This Action invites you to see past your fears and your limitations to a new and more appealing picture of your life. It also encourages you to step out of your comfort zone and go for what you really want. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts--things that make you feel good about yourself. It's an esteemable act to live your dreams.

Bring to mind one of your childhood dreams. Maybe you wanted to be a teacher or a doctor, or to own your own business. Maybe you wanted to be a scientist. Maybe you wanted to be president of the United States. Are you living your dream? If not, what got in your way? What excuses did you buy into? Write out your answers in your Esteemable Acts Journal.

Walking Through the Fear

In 1981, at the age of twenty-eight, tired of feeling stupid and determined to prove that I wasn't, I went back to school. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made because it brought up all my insecurities. Fears I never knew I had surfaced, such as fear the of being too old, the fear of failure, the fear of not being smart enough, the fear of not being able to grasp the concepts, the fear of not fitting in, the fear of going back to school, the fear of the coursework being too hard--the list continued. But one day at a time, after talking to advisers, researching the necessary steps, and auditing classes, I decided to face my fears and embark on a journey, one that proved to be an entry into a life far beyond my wildest imaginings.

What do you dream about when you're by yourself and left just with your own thoughts? What do you wish you could do "if life were different"? What would you be doing if you could snap your fingers and make it all happen? What experiences would you participate in if the canvas called your life was blank? You can make your dreams come true and this book will help you. In the beginning, what's being asked of you might seem hard. It might appear that more is being asked of you than is reasonable or fair. The journey to positive self-esteem is your experience; you may do as you please. All I ask is that you do the best you can. You'll be invited to stretch beyond your comfort zone, then stretch just a little bit more, because often change doesn't happen without a push.

So let's get started. In your Esteemable Acts Journal, write out your answers to the questions at the beginning of the previous paragraph. Don't rush through them. Give yourself plenty of time to really think them through. This is the first step in building real and lasting self-esteem.

Obstacles That Get in Your Way

You'll encounter many obstacles along the road to living your dreams. Some obstacles may be real, some imagined, some may be tangible, and some may be intangible. Some of those obstacles will be created by others, and some will be self-imposed. However they manifest, you will always be given the choice as to whether you give them power.

Before we move on to specific actions you can take to eliminate obstacles or lessen their potency, let's examine three of the most common stumbling blocks that can stand between you and living your dreams.

core beliefs as obstacles

We are what we believe. We create our reality based on what we think. For example, what do you do in your life that stems from a childhood belief? As a kid, were you taught that vegetables are good for you? Were you taught to brush your teeth after eating because it protects your teeth and gums? Some of you will say, "Well, yes, I was taught certain things, but now I do the opposite of what I was taught." Sometimes we rebel against what we know to be right simply because an authority figure told us to do it, and that's a therapy session all by itself. But it's likely that even if we don't like what we were taught, if it was pounded into our heads over and over again, those beliefs have become an integral part of who we are unless we have made a concerted effort to change them.

In your Esteemable Acts Journal, take a moment and identify some beliefs you were raised with. For example, as a kid, what were your thoughts about television, football, piano lessons, dating, cats, poor people, and rich people? What were your thoughts about success, failure, education? To get past the obstacles that bind us we must first know what they are.

Like it or not, your beliefs determine the assumptions you make about yourself and other people, and the assumptions you make determine your attitude and your behavior--and how you behave is what defines you. When I believed I wasn't smart enough to go back to school, my actions supported my beliefs; I never even tried. Once I started believing I could do something to change the course of my life, I took actions that supported those beliefs: I enrolled in school. Getting to the place where I believed I could do what I set out to do has been a long, slow, arduous process that has required constant vigilance. I realized that if I was ever going to live the life I wanted, I'd have to confront what was holding me back, face my fears, and walk through them.

Despite the negative feelings I often had about myself, I became willing to behave contrary to those feelings. For example, when I thought I wasn't smart enough to read my schoolbooks, I forced myself to read them anyway. I acted as if I knew what I was doing, even though I didn't. Every time I did something I didn't think I could do and got to the other side, I felt great. One small step toward the building of my self-esteem.

We are what we believe.

It's not easy to know what you really believe, so one thing you can do to better understand your beliefs is to listen to what you say. The words that come out of your mouth often reflect what you really believe, as do the thoughts you keep in your mind.

fear as an obstacle

Underlying our beliefs is fear--fear that we won't get something we want or that something we have will be taken away from us. Sometimes fear is a motivator, compelling us to take affirmative action. For example, after escaping the South Bronx at eighteen, I knew I never wanted to live there or be poor again. Fear was my motivator. On the other hand, fear is sometimes an obstacle, making it difficult or impossible for us to take action. For example, suppose you loathe your job, but you're afraid to quit and look for another one. It's your fear that keeps you stuck in a job you hate. Fear is a real, human emotion. While it's okay to feel afraid, it's not okay to give in to fear...

"Francine Ward is fearless! Her ESTEEMABLE ACTS confronts head-on the anxieties and roadblocks that keep you from living your dreams and improving your life, and takes you step-by-step through fear to self-fulfillment. At once practical and inspirational, her book makes you believe you can be as courageous as she is."
--David A. Fryxell, Editor-in-Chief, Writer's Digest
"Ten practical steps to move you in the direction of more real and lasting self-esteem.  You'll be glad you read this book." 
--Richard Carlson, PhD, Author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff


"Francine Ward's life is a testament to the fact that the most important thing we can do is to love ourselves and to be fully authentic, only then can miracles happen.  This book contains the keys to create a life of success, fulfillment, and joy."
--Jack Canfield, Co-Author of the bestselling Chicken Soup for the Soul series and Co-founder of the National Association for Self-Esteem
"Francine Ward's ten provable actions awaken the inherent, fear-crumbling abilities alive within each one us, inspiring us to become our own best creation through establishing a practice that develops authentic self-esteem and limitless transformation."
--Michael Beckwith, D.D., Author of Forty Day Mind Fast-Soul Feast


"Francine Ward is a walking/talking role model of a confident woman who shows through her everyday esteemable actions that it's never too late to become the person we want to be.  Her book is fully of practical suggestions that have the power to change our lives for the better, if we'll just follow up and put them into practice. An inspiring resource from someone who's been there, done this.  Read it and reap."
--Sam Horn, Author of Tongue Fu! and What's Holding You Back?